


I Want Candy

by Paxella



Category: Rules of Engagement (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 11:58:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12387621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paxella/pseuds/Paxella
Summary: Russell is teased for his love of 'candy,' a desire which proves long-lasting.





	I Want Candy

**Author's Note:**

> This began as something else under my ABCs, and sort of evolved into this, and sparked a video in the process. So it's going up on its own. x

_"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."_

 

* * *

 

"It's not gay!" Adam protested.

"It's totally gay!" Jeff turned to Russell, who nodded in agreement.

"Its pretty gay, dude."

Adam thrust a hand out towards the movie poster hanging on the lobby wall before him, the men having just exited the theater showcasing said film.

"All I said was Tom Cruise looked pretty good in this one."

"I believe you said 'hella fine.'" Russell searched the popcorn bucket in Adam's arm, finding it empty, and grumbled at this fact. "And you hogged the popcorn, you always do that."

"Well, if you would buy your own popcorn we wouldn't have this little problem, now would we?"

Jeff's cough was enough to gain the attention of the bickering couple. "Are you two dating now, did I miss something?"

Adam, grousing as he peered into the empty abyss that had been his popcorn, responded nonchalantly, "He usually takes Timmy to the movies."

"So you're dating your male assistant, and you have a crush on Top Gun. Great, just wanted to get this straight."

"Get what straight?"

"Me being the only straight man in the room. Seriously, how'd I end up out here with Thelma and Louise?"

"Hold on," said Russell, "so we're chicks now, or--?"

"Now, for the record..." Adam walked the short distance to a trash can, ridding himself of his and Russell's shared snack receptacle. "Finding another man attractive doesn't make me not straight."

"Okay," Jeff countered, "so holding hands with Russell through a bucket of popcorn, are we counting that?"

"Since when does holding hands make somebody gay? Now, if I kiss Russell, maybe--"

"Hey, whoa, whoa!" Russell made a point of taking a great step backwards.

This would suffice; Jeff gleamed. "So it was the kiss between the two of you that made you gay." He performed a small salute. "Glad we cleared that one up."

"Now listen, I'm with a woman, I _enjoy_ being with a woman, kissing Russell makes me bisexual, if anything," Adam continued, appearing strangely persistent on this point.

"Hey, yo!" Russell shot up both hands in protest. "Can this be some other random guy you're kissing, can we leave Russell out of this?!"

Adam focused his attentions on Russell, now. "Calm down. Nobody's kissing anybody, I'm just trying to make a point, here."

"Just keep your point away from me!" Russell appeared suddenly quite riled. "How do we go from guys' night, action flicks without any estrogen tagging along for once to talking about _kissing dudes_ , what's wrong with you guys, anyway?"

Jeff was quick on the uptake: "At least some of us have women to go home to."

"Hey," shot Russell, chuckling lightly, "whoa, whoa, whoa, first of all, I'm only here with you losers because I was feeling generous. You think I don't have anything better to do?"

Jeff and Adam shook their heads, shrugged; of course he didn't.

"I'll have you know that after this I've got _quite_ a shindig lined up with a pretty little thing by the name of Candy... 19... dancer... daddy issues, oh yeah, how's that strike your fancy, that workin' for ya, huh...?"

"Sir...?" Perfectly timed; Timmy, smiling in greeting.

Russell shushed him down, laughing nervously. "What a...crazy coincidence, it's Timmy! Good old Timmy. What are you doing here?"

Timmy looked about in confusion. "You...did say to meet you, sir. After your film date with Mr. Rhodes and Mr. Bingham. Good evening."

"Hello, Candy," greeted Jeff with a nod.

"Excuse me?" But Timmy was promptly shushed by Russell again, much to his confusion.

"Jeff, always jokin' around, he's...yeah, so I'll be a minute, you hang out or something." He reached into a pocket, retrieving his wallet and several bills. "Go buy some popcorn or Milk Duds or something."

Timmy eyed the group slowly as he retrieved the money from Russell's hand; he realized he was being inspected with an alarming level of intrigue this evening. Strange. Still, he had the money...

Jeff's voice penetrated Russell's ears upon Timmy's retreat.

"Candy, huh? And you...gave him money..."

Russell groaned in irritation.

"...For candy."

"He's my assistant, he's assisting me."

"By buying candy?"

"So shoot a guy for wanting candy, huh?"

Jeff began walking with a slow swagger towards Russell, a smirkish grin growing across his face. "Oh, we know what kind of candy you enjoy."

"Well, yeah," said Adam. "He just told Timmy to get Milk Duds. Those things are the best, but they stick in your teeth like crazy..."

Jeff hushed Adam down with a hand, finding him a bore and a distraction as he continued his pace towards Russell. "Look at him over there...neatly pressed. Light in the foot. Sure, I can see it."

Russell heaved an irritated sigh.

"It was bound to happen sooner or later, what's it been now, a few years. Forbidden romance. You watch him at work...you imagine all the things you could have together...if only he wasn't your assistant...if only he were..."

Enraged; Russell was growing enraged. Don't let it show.

"...A woman."

"Yeah, wanna bang a dude." Russell attempted to force laughter through his irritation, feigning nonchalance. "Hilarious, real original, should take it on the road."

"Now, uh...I didn't say anything about banging anyone," Jeff said with a hint of satisfaction. "I was talking about a beautiful romantic connection, if your mind wanders straight to acts of a more...horizontal nature..."

A low growl. But Timmy was coming back, and Russell wasn't about to do anything about this common schoolyard bullying. No; it wasn't worth the breath.

"Your sweets, sir," said Timmy, holding up a box of candy with a slight shake.

"Well, you're sweet, too." Jeff appeared over Russell's shoulder, replying on his behalf with a voracious drawl. Russell snarled, viciously snatching at the box in Timmy's hand.

And Timmy, utterly confused at the entire display from both men, took a step back in observation. He held up a finger, opening his mouth to speak...then, finding Jeff glaring at him quite intently, hand brushing Russell's shoulder ever so gently as if trying to incite some sort of response, he closed his mouth again, thinking better than to interfere.

And Jeff leaned forward a touch, nearer Russell's ear. And he sang. Lightly, practically under his breath...he sang.

" _I-iiii want candy..._ "

"Ohh," Russell groaned. "For the love of--"

" _I-iiii want candy..._ "

Timmy took a breath, cleared his throat, and offered up at last: "Perhaps I should just go."

"No!" Russell was a bit quick on the uptake. Too quick, he realized, flinching at the leverage he had just given his gargantuan tormenter. But Jeff merely chuckled, stepping away from Russell with a shake of his head. And so Russell followed in step with Timmy, who had begun making his way towards the exit.

"What was all of that?" Timmy questioned softly.

"Forget it. So, did you wanna go check out that new place a couple blocks down, the theme joint? Changes each week, right? Tonight, all the waitresses are dressed in these little French maid numbers... Ooh, la la."

Timmy's face pulled into a sneer. "Ugh..."

"Knew you'd be excited. So, we could foot it, or--"

"Hey, wait up!"

Russell paused, teeth clenching, muscles tightening at the sound of Adam's voice. For the love of... He turned with a smile, forced and tense. "Yessss?"

"Listen, ignore Jeff, you know how he is. You guys go and have a good time...sorry I ate all the popcorn, next time I'll buy you your own. Or...y'know, you could try paying your own way..."

At this Timmy nodded Adam's direction. "Ah. He mooches off you as well, does he? Makes you pay for everything?"

"Yeah, you know how he is. Worst date ever, right?"

For a moment, Adam and Timmy laughed over their collective acknowledgement of Russell's terrible dating etiquette...and Russell stood grousing, until at last he turned to Timmy with a heavy sigh of irritation.

"Who's your boss, who pays your checks?"

Timmy stopped laughing all at once, looking Russell square in the eyes.

"Oh, am I the boss, do I do that? Huh, you work for me, is that right?"

Timmy began to inhale air very slowly; an attempt to retain composure.

"So, uh...if you...buy things for me, then thaaat means..." Russell wove a hand, urging Timmy to complete the sentence. No? Not happening? Okay, then. "That means you use _my money_ to buy things _for me_. Okay, so that's settled, then? Good, cool, done. We going, we doing this?"

"Not...exactly," Adam offered in assistance. "It's company money, I mean, it's your dad's money, if you really wanna think about--"

It was Timmy who held up a hand, silencing Adam; and Adam watched as Russell and Timmy stared at one another for several moments, saying nothing at all, eyes narrowed as if prepared to gnaw at throats, find a jugular and take down prey...

"...Candy?"

Russell thrust the box out towards Timmy. Timmy huffed out silent anger, snatching at the box.

"Thank you."

Jeff walked past, shoving at the door and hitting outside air. Before disappearing outside he could be heard to utter one solitary word: "Gay."

All three men looked to where Jeff had disappeared into the outer world. Adam, finding himself displaced from a silent dialogue he was not privy to, followed suit soon after, leaving Russell and Timmy alone with a box of chocolate covered caramels.

Russell looked outside a clear glass door...mm...girls in skimpy outfits beckoned. He looked to Timmy, whose tongue fished now for caramel stuck in teeth. And Russell held back a sudden urge to smile at this act, for what reason he failed to comprehend. He shoved down a flippant thought, that perhaps the man before him might be desirable in certain ways if only he'd been born a woman and were at this very moment dressed as a French maid.

The hell was he thinking?

He grabbed another piece of candy from the box in Timmy's hand, replacing thoughts with sugar.

"Hey, uh...cold outside...late show starts in ten, so..."

Timmy nodded, and the men headed back inside in search of movie tickets. Whatever the next show was, they said, and it looked terrible. They truly didn't care; companionship trumped entertainment, but neither spoke this truth.

They bought a single tub of popcorn, which Russell utterly dominated, and as they'd already worked over their supply of Milk Duds, as much candy as they could carry.

Sometimes, all you need is a sugar high.

 

* * *

 

Candy. It was everywhere, stored in every nook and cranny of the apartment. In cabinets, behind cushions, taped beneath sinks. Since they'd married a year earlier, Timmy had taken to finding sugary snacks everywhere.

He leaned against a bed post now with a risen brow, waving a chocolate bar Russell's way.

Russell sat up in bed. "I can explain." He reached for his treasure and was promptly denied.

"I thought we were cutting back?" Timmy leaned forward, patting Russell against the stomach. "I believe you've had enough."

Russell took his opportunity; with one hand he snatched at Timmy's arm, pulling him into bed. With the other, he navigated for the chocolate bar. "Yoink!"

Timmy, collapsed to Russell's side, growled in irritation; he was cut off swiftly by a set of lips, relaxing, succumbing to the crook. A gentle kiss of calculated persuasion. But when the lips gave haste, Timmy was quick to protest. "You're not going to sweet talk me that easily."

"Ha! Sweet talk..." Russell opened the candy bar, waving the chocolate in Timmy's face. "You know you want some."

Timmy's eyes followed for a moment... "No."

"Come on, babe." Russell smiled a sensual smile...and began to slowly sing. " _I-iii waaant caaandy..._ "

Timmy cracked a grin. "What in heaven's name are you doing?"

And all at once, Russell had crawled atop Timmy, abandoning his sugar for greater treasures.

Timmy breathed in deeply, back arching lightly as Russell's heat fell full upon him. "Oh..."

" _I-iiii want caaandy..._ "

Timmy bit a lip softly. "Are we still talking about the chocolate?"

"Mm...you taste better." Russell attacked.

**Author's Note:**

> And then they lick chocolate off of one another.  
> ...No, not really.  
> ...Well, maybe.  
> ...Probably.
> 
>  
> 
> [I made a video, you can watch it here.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9480194/chapters/28183533)


End file.
